Not too bad....

Okay so yesterday was not great, I got the baking bug and made homemade Oreos with a lovely creamy centre, Banana and Walnut cake and Syrup sponge pudding. Yes, I tried the Oreos and yes I had some of the pudding with custard, it was all lovely and that combined with Roast Chicken, roast potatoes, cabbage, cauliflower and stuffing - oh and the one slice of Pizza that was my entire eating for the rest of the day was not totally brilliant. But when I stood on the scales this morning, my weight had only increased by 0.2 of a pound to 15 st 1.8 so not too much of a disaster.

Today started much better as I was working today so took my usual yogurt to work for breakfast and two pieces of fruit for snacks, together with a cous cous salad for lunch. However, I had forgotten that it was a colleagues birthday and the tradition is to buy everyone cakes on your birthday. So I have also had a custard and jam pastry and a fondant fancy today, oh and tea was not on the plan as it was Mascarpone Macaroni, which contains 250g of Mascarpone at 6 syns per 28g!!! (I just had to look that up). I either run a marathon this evening or face the fact that I'm not going to lose weight today either.

I do want to lose weight, I caught a glimpse of my wedding picture on the mantlepiece earlier - I weighed about 11st then, and thought I was fat - I've always thought I was fat, even when I was 9st 2lb I thought I was fat and ugly. I'm not even sure that if I do lose all the excess weight I'm carrying I will feel as though I am slim and beautiful, but I do have some lovely clothes and underwear that I would like to get back into - I just need to find a way to stop sabotaging myself, and it is sabotage. Why can I not make the healthy, sensible choice that will allow me to have the body I want, there must be something inside me which is saying No, you cannot have that!

Or is it fear of the unknown - it's been so long since I had that body, I cannot remember what it was truly like, will I like myself slim, will I be able to handle all the attention? or am I hanging on to the fat me so that I can blend into the background and use the 'bubbly fat person' to hide what's really going on.

Hmmm... that's a bit deep for me, so I'll sign off for the minute and go ponder